An Open Letter to the Guy Who Thinks He Can Fix My Life in Five Minutes

Thank you so much. When you asked if you could talk to me privately for a few minutes at that party, I totally didn’t know that you wanted to lecture me about my health. That was so unexpected and appreciated. It’s certainly not as though there’s been some version of you ever-present in my life. Uncles, friends’ dads, total strangers who “used to be [my] size.” So thank you; thank you so much.

As you know, part of your duty as a fit and healthy person is to remind unfit people that they are unhealthy and in need of your help. When you do this, don’t forget to say something patronizing about how you “want to keep them around for a long time.” It’ll really make them feel good about themselves, showing how much you care by insinuating that you’re going to outlive them. Be sure to mention how easy it is, how it’s just a simple combination of diet and exercise. That’s probably not something they’ve ever tried before, so there’s no need to consider whether it’s insulting to assume they don’t already know it. What’s that? No soda? Shouldn’t eat carbs? No kidding.

I’m not sure what the world would do without the Guy Who Thinks He Can Fix Our Lives in Five Minutes. Overweight people would simply go about their day, blissfully unaware that they are disgusting and probably going to die soon. Women might walk down the street without realizing that they are dressed like sluts. Coworkers might have to do their jobs normally, without a helpful mansplainer nearby to constantly watch over their shoulder. Wherever you go, you’re just making sure that the people around you can benefit from your expertise. And for that, on behalf of all of us, I salute you.